Ben | Longterm Recovery Is Possible

My story is a very common one.  Addiction runs on both sides of my family.  My parents’ divorce at twelve years old was hard on me.  I was on Ritalin for many years for ADHD. With so much energy, I was always an athlete, always active. I wanted to be the cool kid and wanted kids to like me.  In middle school I started smoking cigarettes and then pot in the 9^th grade. By my senior year in high school I started going to raves with my friends and experimenting with everything and anything.

As an adult I became a workout health nut.  For many years I would drink beers on Thursday and Friday evenings, occasionally indulging in a hard night of a cocaine and beer combo.  I was in amazing shape, playing flag football two to three times a week, as if I was going somewhere with the sport – I loved it.

Everything changed when I collided with a couple guys, broke two ribs, and dislocated cartilage.  I went right to the ER. The doctor prescribed sixty 512’s (acetaminophen/oxycodone) with refills. I remember it to this day because I left that ER feeling like a million bucks.

Most folks feel drowsy and lethargic on pain pills but not me, I had energy, felt so good, and had this awesome buzz. When I got home, I mowed the lawn, did all my laundry, dishes, and cleaned my dad’s house!!

Before I knew it the sixty tablets were gone so I needed to wait a couple days for the refill.  Those couple days stunk but when I got the refill I was back on track.  This was followed by some of my best years selling because I was stoned all day on the phone and could sit in a chair and bust my tail.  Unfortunately, I needed more and more, it got worse and worse.  Abuse got deeper and deeper.

Eventually, I was spending $1,200-$1,500 a week and was just a complete mess – out of control.

In 2011 I finally had enough and was crying while I drove to Farnum in Manchester, which I heard about through opiate friends. I considered driving head on into another car on 101 but thought about who I might hit and the damage I would do to them and their family.  Otherwise, I would have easily killed myself that morning.

Farnum SAVED MY LIFE!!! At least that’s what I assumed.

That first day wasn’t easy, I balled my eyes out while Dr Kirby asked me questions.  Then he gave me my meds and I thought this everlasting quest to destroy myself was over…but it wasn’t.

I soon found myself playing the game of getting banged up and then using Suboxone in between days off of trying to sober up, all while going to AA meetings.  This lasted for a year and a half until I was caught in 2012 when Kevin and Dr. Lavallee sat me down for a heart-to-heart.  I denied everything over and over but the test didn’t lie.  I had to make a change or be terminated from the program.  Not only did this scare the complete crap out of me but I was at the breaking point.  The party cannot go on.  It has to end. Changing my life was in my hands so that day I ended it.

I’ve been sober for almost 8 years now and feel amazing.  I’m still on a daily dosage of Suboxone through Farnum’s MAT program and attending Farnum’s outpatient group meetings. I deleted all my contacts from my phone.  I told anyone who contacted me to buzz off.  I avoid any friends involved with opioids unless they need help.  We have two daughters, a house, and a completely different lifestyle.  I can be around drinkers, my wife has wine or beer now and again, but nothing bothers me or makes me miss anything.

The program works and works amazingly.  It’s so simple and makes sense but you still need to do the work which took me a couple years to figure out.  For EVERYONE who is addicted like me, you will need to fight substance abuse for the rest of your life to stay sober.  I know that one slip can put me back to where I was in days, maybe even hours, or DEAD.  Farnum has saved my life and I continue to contribute as much as possible and go to my meetings.  I went to Al-Anon with my Mom as a kid, and Alateen, then AA meetings.  While my Mom and Step Dad are big into AA it doesn’t work for me.  The Farnum meetings help tremendously and everyone who runs them does an amazing job at keeping me on track, I walk away with something new, positive and helpful.  Farnum family has evolved over the years I want to thank Dr. Lavallee and his amazing staff.  His background, understanding, and education as well as his passion to do the right thing greatly contributes to Farnum’s success.

While my story is probably common, my resolve isn’t.  I work at this daily and really put in the effort.  Like everyone else my mind races and goes places I can’t control; it’s about what you hold on to and the added stress you bring into your life by thinking too far ahead and spending too much time in the past.  My advice is to let go, enjoy each moment because they fly by as we get older.  Be like a kid in the here and now.  Enjoy the air, wind, trees, the day, the season, feelings, smells, each and every minute, and take it all in.  Don’t take the here and now for granted.  Don’t allow the useless feelings and “things” to ruin your day.  Make life work for you and make it start today – right now!

Thank you, Farnum, for all you have done for me and my family.